Sweet Persuasion

A+donut+similar+to+ones+found+in+the+dozen+bought+by+President+Trump.

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A donut similar to ones found in the dozen bought by President Trump.

Brianna Foster, Managing Editor

After over three weeks of being shut down, the American government is currently in limbo as Democrats and Republicans are at an impasse over President Donald Trump’s border wall.
One of the main figureheads behind the shutdown, Donald Trump himself, is certainly in a tricky position due to his belligerence over a wall. Many are working without pay and there is anarchy in the streets as marriage licenses go unfilled and the TSA is being torn apart to the dismay of airline passengers standing holding their shoes because they took them off too early. However, not to fear, as today the President revealed a brand-new and groundbreaking plan to end this seemingly infinite shut down.

“Of course I’m willing to concede to the Democrats,” Trump said as we caught up with him in the White House. “I certainly want my wall, but I understand I will have to give to get what I want.”

So what will he be giving to the Democrats? Donuts. That’s right: the Commander-in-Chief placed an order of a dozen donuts to Dunkin’, and will place them out in an attempt to get Democrats back onto the Congress floor to compromise.

“I’ll be the first to say it— it’s genius” the President told us. According to him, the Democrats will be so enticed by the variety of jelly, boston creme, and more jelly, that they will simply be forced to return. He feels that the offer is just too good to resist.

We followed Trump down to the Congress floor, where he placed the box out on a table. “Boston creme!” he screamed, and then stood expectantly waiting for the flood of congressmen and women to rush in.

Although he feels the donuts are a fool-proof plan, responses to Trump’s donut idea have been mixed. When asking Melania Trump, her response was “I don’t know. I just hope it works and he gets his wall. It’s all he talks about! He finally slept in the same room as me for the first time in six years, only to spend the entire night muttering ‘wall, wall, wall.’ His plan for this wall is interrupting my much-needed beauty sleep.”
Trump’s Vice President, Mike Pence, seems to be on board with the plan, as we could see him nodding his approval from his hiding spot in the shadows.

However, others were not as thrilled. Nancy Pelosi, Minority Leader of the House, was disgusted by such a “frivolous” attempt at reconciliation: “Of course I won’t be returning. I won’t be so easily appeased by some jelly donuts. I’m more of a strawberry sprinkle girl myself.”

The Clemson football team, who was invited to the White House on January 14 and greeted by an array of “hamberders,” as the president so eloquently called them, and other fast food from Wendy’s and McDonalds, also chimed in on the recent donut debacle. “It’s just ridiculous,” a representative for the team said. “All we got was hamberders, while everyone in Congress is going to be hamming it up with their 1/18 piece of a Dunkin’ donut.”

Though no one has taken the bait just yet, Trump is confident he will get the government to reopen while holding onto control of his wall. “Of course this will work” he muttered while wrestling with his comically oversized tie. “The Donald thought of it of course it will work.” If it doesn’t though? Trump says his next move is bringing in bean bag chairs.

Ultimately, only time will tell if the President’s new plan will be a success, but he has all blind hope that it will.